Britannia and Eve, England, May 1933
Today’s two.
わさわさや 嗚呼わさわさや わさわさや#busakawa #longhair #longcoat #akitainu #dogs #wasao #chome
#ぶさかわ #長毛 #秋田犬 #わさお #ちょめ ( @chome_style ) #わさお一家
So.
Things are a little strange. I’ve been drug free since about mid July now and I both have and have not gotten the results I expected.
I was in a pretty terrible state all last year and especially when I started weaning off meds and having to put my dog of 14 years down at the same time compounded by being in the house by myself for three weeks immediately afterwards with the two other dogs howling night after night wondering where Tosh had gone and why I was the only one left in the house.
I didn’t sleep for those three weeks maybe more than three or fours hours a night. I was very tempted to pick up smoking again and drink myself into a month long hole.
I didn’t.
Now by all accounts I should have been working on preparing for my thesis and going back to college but at the same time I was in no state to attempt really just about anything.
So I did nothing.
Which might have been a good thing.
My body still feels frail and weak and my mind slow but clear.
But things feel so clear now. Like glass and breathing.
I keep thinking to myself that I’ll probably leave college a little dumber than when I first went in because of all the drugs I’d been on and the fairly lengthy time span of four years that I’d been switching between them, going off them, going through discontinuation, starting them again, discontinuation, starting a new drug and repeating the sequence of self destruction ad astra.
Escitalopram.
Sertraline KRKA.
Mirtazapine.
Lyrica.
Venlafaxine.
Zopiclone.
Diazepam.
Stilnoct.
Gerax.
And now I’m clean. Granted, I take a benzodiazepine or a racetam every once in a while when my mind is too slow or I need a little extra calming but apart from that, nothing. I expected my cognition and memory to come back to me quickly but that looks like it’ll take time but in that same vein I’ve gotten a 63, a 74 and a perfect 100 in one of my modules this year. My memory is still shit though.
I’m slow but bright.
I’ve had two blood tests done in two years to check for testosterone deficiencies and general health because for a very long time I thought that I must have had either some sort of physical symptom to sexual dysfunction or psychosexual dysfunction but no, apparently I’m perfectly healthy. Thinking about it, taking it as a ‘special’ case, coming to terms with my sexuality has been both good and bad. I’ve never quite had to comprehend it because I’ve always had someone to be in love with (and subsequently never quite fall out of love with) but understanding that I fall in line with demisexual was hard.
I don’t feel anything unless I feel something.
I had a one night stand last year and I came away from it feeling so utterly lonely. And that was only amplified when she wanted to see me again and I just couldn’t. I felt absolutely nothing for her and the thought of sex with someone that you felt nothing for was deeply troubling. This is a product of the way I’ve operated romantically for a very long time. It makes loneliness that much more lonely and love that much more lovely.
A friend even asked whether or not I felt anything after taking GHB and honestly? Same thing. Nothing.
Strange.
I’m not entirely sure how I feel. I’ve mediated my entire adult life up until now through drugs that alter the chemistry of the brain.
This is all very new to me.
I will walk a long distance in dust and dry heat, stopping to take water and shade. Food won’t bother me too much. I’ll see fields of blue and stone that is too old to comprehend. And none of this will bother me.
I won’t bother anyone. Just passing through.
There will be land ahead and I will walk it and see it and I will feel at home being nowhere in particular.
